singlelogbridge | Inbox: Ximilia

[Kazuma doesn't have a particular destination in mind. He just needs to go. To be anywhere other than where he'd been.

The problem is he doesn't have anywhere to go. His own quarters are too close to where the argument happened, and he's already gone from the area by the time his brain catches up to him. He certainly can't go back now, when Felix could still be there. But everywhere else is too public. He tears through the hallways of the station mindlessly, willing himself to stop shaking, to compose himself before someone else sees him.

It's ridiculous to even be this worked up about this. As embarrassing as it is to have that fragile of self-control, Kazuma is hardly the first person to strike someone out of anger. Arguably, Felix even deserved it. Except: Kazuma had recognized that blinding, white-hot fury that had overcome him in the moment, and what it had meant the last time he'd felt it. That he'd had nothing else on hand but his own fists was pure luck. If he'd had his sword out...

Might he have attacked Felix regardless? Just for stealing? Kazuma doesn't know if he can answer that.

That thought is enough for Kazuma to stop where he is, turning to brace against the wall for support. He's supposed to be doing better than this now, he's supposed to be more in control of himself now that he knows what his problem is, isn't he? But instead it only feels as if he's losing progress. Is it this place making him worse? Is it him?

Naturally, that's when he hears footsteps approaching from around the corner ahead, and a completely different panic spikes in him. There's no time or place to hide, so he needs to get a grip on himself now. Quickly, he runs his shaking hands through his hair and down his face, trying to smooth out the distress in his expression, straighten his shoulders before whoever it is rounds the corner, but--]

[He's tired.

Not the kind of tired that can be resolved with sleep but the bone deep wariness of having been through too much in the last several weeks and not having taken the proper time to digest any of it. If he tries to sleep now, his mind will only spiral into any number of unhelpful thoughts, so after leaving Finn in the Sunlight room, Wei Wuxian decides to simply walk the halls and see where his feet will take them.

Mostly, he's hoping for a distraction; something to help take his mind off of things.

If he can't find something to do, maybe he'll find some place to work on a talisman. It means he won't sleep at all if he does that, but it'll be worth the trade off. He's just resolved himself to do exactly that when he turns a corner in the hallway and comes across a man who appears to be hastily trying to compose himself.

Another time he might have looked away and given the man some face, but not now, not when it's the perfect distraction to his own troubles.]

Hey. [He says, watching the man carefully for his reaction.]

Would you like to get a drink with me? Looks like you could use it.

[The man is someone Kazuma recognizes simply from life around the station, though they've never had cause to introduce themselves to each other. Fine. At least it's not someone who knows him. Before he can get worked up into a truly awful first impression, however, the asked question catches him by surprise.

He'd been expecting a hesitant Are you okay? or the like, something he could quickly brush off and simply claim he needed a moment to get himself together. He'd been hoping whoever it was might even be able to take a hint and move on without either of them having to contribute to an awkward exchange. It would be the polite thing to do to simply pretend he wasn't noticed, wouldn't it?

Kazuma stares at Wei Wuxian for several seconds, unsure how to answer the question the man did ask. He opens his mouth to decline as a matter of course, but something stops him from saying the words. Maybe it's the panic he still hasn't quite come down from. Maybe the surprise has locked his thoughts in place.]

You... want to get a drink with me?

[Maybe a drink is just what he fucking needs right now, the more he thinks about it. He's tired and miserable and sick of himself, and he would rather not be alone with his thoughts right now, and it isn't as though this person knows him enough to truly worry or judge him.

Kazuma's shoulders sag, defeated, as he rubs the bridge of his nose. Well, he's already been seen looking pathetic. What's the English phrase? In for a penny...]

You know what? All right.

[A soft laugh spills from his lips, and it isn't a cruel laugh at Kazuma's expense. It sounds tired mostly, and a little like he's laughing with Kazuma rather than at him. Wei Wuxian shoots the man a wobbly smile and shrugs in the direction of the kitchen.]

We haven't met before, have we? [His memory can be pretty bad but he's pretty sure they haven't. Almost positive.

He inclines his head slightly in greeting.] I'm Wei Wuxian. This was your first mission, right?

[It might explain how upset he seemed even if he was trying to conceal it. Then again, sometimes missions were just like that even if they were your third or fourth. Sometimes they just hit too close to home or hurt someone you didn't expect could be hurt.]

...It was.

[He doesn't clarify that it isn't the mission that's affecting him like this. Not exactly, anyway. It's a harmless enough assumption if it means Wei Wuxian won't pry.]

Kazuma Asogi.

[As they make their way to the kitchen, he falls into awkward silence. Having someone else around is grounding in a way he didn't expect, but he isn't sure what to do with the distraction now that he has it. He isn't much one for small talk at the best of times, and now certainly isn't that. As wretched as he feels, he can only hope Wei Wuxian doesn't expect much in the way of scintillating conversation.]

[He recognizes the Japanese name and brightens just a little.]

Surname Kazuma then? [From what he's seen so far, Japanese names were given in the same order as his own, but he knows that it's entirely possible that someone might switch the order to make it clear to those here who were used to the reverse. He knows at least from Chuuta that while using birth names might not be quite as intimate as his own language, it wasn't appropriate either.

As they enter the kitchen, he gestures Kazuma to a table and then moves to a cabinet to retrieve a few jars of liquor from his home world. They aren't from the stock of Emperor's Smile that he consistently requests from the drops—this isn't an Emperor's Smile kind of mood—but it's something nice nonetheless. Also something strong which is what matters more.]

[Kazuma finds himself oddly surprised by the question.]

Ah--no. My family name is Asogi.

[He's been speaking in English, and thus using the English order, simply out of habit--and because it's a strange comfort to him to use his own words, rather than rely on the mysterious translator to choose for him. It's surreal to suddenly realize it may not matter much in Wei Wuxian's case.

Kazuma lets the other man take the lead here: he seems happy enough to do it, and Kazuma is still feeling a little numb and uprooted from earlier. It's easier to hover on the periphery and just watch Wei Wuxian as he goes.]

You... seem to know right what to go for. Is this something you do often? [Impromptu day drinking, that is. Not that he's judging.]

Asogi. [He corrects with a nod as he returns to the table and pours a glass for each of them, pushing Asogi's glass towards him and then taking his own in hand.]

Ah, are you asking if I'm a drunk, Asogi-xiong? [He grins and raises an eyebrow. Before Asogi can feel too uncomfortable though, he lets out a laugh and shakes his head.]

Not too often. More often when I arrived but even then not so much. It would be hard not to know where things are kept after having been here for just short of a year.

[It's a good thing Wei Wuxian moves on immediately, because Kazuma's first instinct is to apologize for the insinuation. But this guy just likes to tease, it seems. Good to know. At least it means less reason for Kazuma to feel even worse.

He murmurs a "thanks" in exchange for the drink, but as he lifts it to his mouth he hesitates. Something about this feels like a bad idea--he's never been the type to drink just to get drunk--but he also feels a little beyond caring.

Oh well. He knocks back a quick gulp--and immediately starts coughing, though thankfully he manages to choke it all down without incident.]

That was... stronger than I expected it to be.

[With a laugh, Wei Wuxian reaches over to pat him on the back.]

Aiya, you don't drink often, do you? Trying that hard to forget something, hmm? [He hums in understanding and takes a long sip of his own. He might be drinking to get his mind off of things, but a good buzz and good company will do the trick. He doesn't need to get blackout drunk for that. If Kazuma does, maybe he's in worse shape than he'd thought.]

You can talk about it you know. If you want to. [His smile loses some of its energy as he says so, his eyes fixed on his own drink.]

I know it's rude to acknowledge it when you'd probably rather be thinking of anything else, but sometimes it's easier talking to a stranger, isn't it?

[At least Kazuma doesn't have time to be embarrassed. He freezes, immediately, and puts his glass back down on the counter with a sharp clack.

It's embarrassing, honestly, that he's having any kind of trouble with this. It isn't as though what happened is particularly scandalous. It's just that what it means for Kazuma, he isn't sure how to articulate--at least, not without actively talking about his feelings, which is something Kazuma has never had much practice at. He's not even sure how to start.

Well. Wei Wuxian is certainly trying to do him a kindness, so Kazuma supposes he deserves some answers.]

I... lost my temper. That's all. [And he's supposed to be getting better about that. The thought rattles him enough to take another drink.]

Did you harm someone? [It's an easy response, if not a noninvasive one. It's only that it's the predictable consequence of losing a temper, isn't it? His tone at least isn't judgmental in the slightest.

Wei Wuxian wasn't one to lose his temper often or easily, but the last time he'd done it, there'd been a body count, so. He doubts at least that Asogi had done something quite as horrific.]

[Kazuma sighs.]

...Yes.

[Not badly. He's sure the man has had worse, even. And he arguably even deserved it, but...

It just isn't what Kazuma wants to be. Vindictive, violent, destructive. Angry. How can he keep from spiraling again if this keeps happening? What will happen the next time he can't stop himself?]

[Wei Wuxian lets out a soft sound of understanding and then takes another long drink from his glass.

For a long moment he says nothing at all, only stares at his drinks and lifts it to swirl it around before finally setting it back down.]

I'm sorry. [Is what he settles on finally, because it hurts to harm someone like that. He never wants to feel that way again. He can't imagine it's very pleasant for Asogi either.]

...this place has a way of bringing out the worst in us sometimes. [He offers softly.]

Does it?

[Kazuma's grateful to have a drink, if only because it gives him something to look at other than Wei Wuxian's face. It lets him hold to the illusion that he's simply speaking out loud to the room, instead of making himself vulnerable to someone he's only just met.

He'd been thinking of this place as a second chance, a way to redeem himself after his mistakes--but what if it will have the opposite effect? Violence and death already feels so commonplace. What if it only makes Kazuma worse?]

Maybe... maybe I shouldn't be here.

[It's not a response Wei Wuxian was expecting and it shows in the eyebrow he raises when he turns to look at him.]

...that's one potential takeaway from it. But there will always be people and places like that in every world. It's certainly not unique to the Ximilia.

The personal goals and the complicated political situations we find ourselves in on each mission only magnify our flaws in a way that demands our immediate attention.

[He pauses.] For what it's worth, I've found that I've been able to temper some of my worst tendencies here thanks to the diversity of thought and perspective that the people here who are important to me provide.

[Kazuma is quiet as Wei Wuxian talks, and then for a little while longer after he finishes. He allows himself to indulge in a brief moment of self-pity: hasn't he done enough confrontation of his personal flaws for one lifetime recently? But no, of course he wouldn't be able to move past it all so quickly, and he was a fool to ever hope otherwise.

It's with that dark thought that he takes another hearty swallow of his drink, which goes down much more smoothly this time. Maybe he does want to be drunk. At least it might make him feel less self-conscious about having to vent to a stranger.]

And what if the time comes that you're no longer able to temper them? [He addresses Wei Wuxian directly, as if it's a simple inquiry into his business, but the true question is likely obvious.] What if you find yourself already in a situation you can't come back from?

[He can't help it, he laughs. It isn't a cruel laugh, but it certainly doesn't have any mirth.]

Asogi-xiong, I already did that. Why do you think I'm here? [Those specific flaws required outside influence though, and the Yin Tiger seal was broken, never to be used to harm anyone ever again. Even if some other outside force brought him back to that, there were people here who could stop him. His closest loved ones here would have an easy time putting him down. Not that any of that is relevant right now.]

But we're not talking about me, are we?

[Kazuma's eyes narrow, though he's not truly sure why he suddenly feels so tense. After all, they are still talking about Wei Wuxian, for the most part: Kazuma hasn't yet crossed that line. He's only gotten very, very close, and never wants to get that close again. Such is the problem.]

Consider it hypothetical. [And that's all he'll say on that.]

I don't mean whatever might have happened to bring you to this station, I mean here and now. What happens if the people around you aren't enough to "temper your worst tendencies"? [His tone is neutral, as if he's truly asking a simple rhetorical question or presenting a thought experiment. The buzz is finally starting to descend, lending his gestures sharp confidence. He's in debate mode now.] What if being here simply causes you to become the worst version of yourself, despite all your efforts? What do you do then?

You don't understand. [He shakes his head and fixes Kazuma with a hard look. ]

I've been here for a year and I'm more at peace than I've ever been in my entire life. Your hypothetical simply doesn't work. And when I was at my worst, there were...outside influences. [That's the simple way of saying the thousands of ghosts living in his flute (and his head) liked to push him into giving into his anger.] Those influences don't exist here.

But. [His lips turn up at the corner.] If you insist on the impossible scenario you're describing, then those same people here who temper me also have the ability to put me down, quickly and efficiently. [Gwen wouldn't kill him. Itachi wouldn't kill him if there was another way. If he was truly and completely lost to madness, Itachi would know it's what he'd want.]

But something tells me that the worst version of myself and the worst version of yourself are very far apart. [Because he doubts Kazuma has the ability to turn into a raging indiscriminate mass murderer. Then again, there are a few of them on the station so who knows, maybe he does.]

[Kazuma can't help but be taken a little aback by Wei Wuxian's response--both the vehemence of it, and the stakes he's implying. Whatever his "problem" is, it's clearly beyond Kazuma's, and once again he feels something like shame at how childish his own struggles seem in comparison.

But still, none of Wei Wuxian's words do much to reassure him, because they are talking about very different things, it seems.]

Perhaps they are. [He pauses, solemn, unsure how to put his feelings into words. He has no desire to diminish what Wei Wuxian is telling him, but the problem is: there are no "outside influences" for him to remove himself from. What is he meant to do when the problem is entirely with him?]

But I'm not sure that's a realistic solution for me.

Hmm, thought we weren't talking about you? [He grins and laughs, shaking his head before taking another drink.]

You speak of your worst qualities as if you aren't in control of yourself Asogi-xiong, but if it's a temper you speak of, then there are ways to better that, aren't there?

There's certainly no way you're the only one here whose ever had that struggle.

[Kazuma scowls, because they clearly were talking about him and he'd been trying to concede with his pride intact and then Wei Wuxian called him out about it anyway, but he can't complain about that without sounding petulant, so scowling is all he can do. He's pretty sure Wei Wuxian did that on purpose, too. He hates this kind of guy.

And... despite his own defensive instincts, he's aware Wei Wuxian is just trying to help him, in some mystifying way. Kazuma may not understand why, but if nothing else, he is coming to learn that sometimes people offer help simply for its own sake; that an offer of compassion isn't something he always needs to second-guess or add to his ever-growing list of debts. So he goes quiet for a moment, considering Wei Wuxian's words seriously.

The problem is that Wei Wuxian makes it sound so simple, but if it is that simple, then why is Kazuma having a problem? Why can't he sort this out on his own, the way he's used to doing? Does it really come down to having to admit that he doesn't know what to do?

Why is that so hard?

Kazuma sighs through his nose; it's this or his pride, and he already knows where the latter will lead him. Still, he keeps his eyes on Wei Wuxian's own, studying his expression for any sign of insincerity. Of dismissiveness. He isn't quite ready to let his guard down completely.]

How?

[He lets out a soft little scoffing sound and shakes his head because he doesn't know how, if he did he'd have made Jiang Cheng do it! But it's obvious the subject is genuinely distressing for the man and so he laces his fingers together and rests his chin on top of them, furrowing his eyebrows as he considers the question.]

Well for starters, you could ask, couldn't you? Not me, I'm not good at that stuff, but there are people here who are.

But if it's a temper issue, maybe you just need to burn off your energy doing something else. That helps, doesn't it? When my brother used to get all worked up and angry, I'd just goad him into a fight and he'd feel better after.

Why don't you try sparring with someone?

[That's true, he could ask. As if it hadn't been hard enough to ask just now.

Some childish part of Kazuma deflates with disappointment at this answer, and he isn't even sure why. He'd been hoping for an easy epiphany, maybe. Something that could help shift his thinking enough so that everything would click into place and leave his resolution clear. He should know by now that isn't how life works. It's a problem for himself alone after all.

He offers Wei Wuxian a polite smile, regardless. He is only trying to help, but honestly, the idea of physically taking his anger out on someone makes Kazuma feel sick, even if it's done "safely." He doesn't want to fall into the trap of using violence as an outlet at all.]

I'll... consider it. Thank you.

Inbox: Ximilia

action | station, in between "the die is cast" and "the big one"

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🎻🎻🎻🙄

LOL

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