singlelogbridge | Inbox: Ximilia

[Kazuma's eyes narrow, though he's not truly sure why he suddenly feels so tense. After all, they are still talking about Wei Wuxian, for the most part: Kazuma hasn't yet crossed that line. He's only gotten very, very close, and never wants to get that close again. Such is the problem.]

Consider it hypothetical. [And that's all he'll say on that.]

I don't mean whatever might have happened to bring you to this station, I mean here and now. What happens if the people around you aren't enough to "temper your worst tendencies"? [His tone is neutral, as if he's truly asking a simple rhetorical question or presenting a thought experiment. The buzz is finally starting to descend, lending his gestures sharp confidence. He's in debate mode now.] What if being here simply causes you to become the worst version of yourself, despite all your efforts? What do you do then?

You don't understand. [He shakes his head and fixes Kazuma with a hard look. ]

I've been here for a year and I'm more at peace than I've ever been in my entire life. Your hypothetical simply doesn't work. And when I was at my worst, there were...outside influences. [That's the simple way of saying the thousands of ghosts living in his flute (and his head) liked to push him into giving into his anger.] Those influences don't exist here.

But. [His lips turn up at the corner.] If you insist on the impossible scenario you're describing, then those same people here who temper me also have the ability to put me down, quickly and efficiently. [Gwen wouldn't kill him. Itachi wouldn't kill him if there was another way. If he was truly and completely lost to madness, Itachi would know it's what he'd want.]

But something tells me that the worst version of myself and the worst version of yourself are very far apart. [Because he doubts Kazuma has the ability to turn into a raging indiscriminate mass murderer. Then again, there are a few of them on the station so who knows, maybe he does.]

[Kazuma can't help but be taken a little aback by Wei Wuxian's response--both the vehemence of it, and the stakes he's implying. Whatever his "problem" is, it's clearly beyond Kazuma's, and once again he feels something like shame at how childish his own struggles seem in comparison.

But still, none of Wei Wuxian's words do much to reassure him, because they are talking about very different things, it seems.]

Perhaps they are. [He pauses, solemn, unsure how to put his feelings into words. He has no desire to diminish what Wei Wuxian is telling him, but the problem is: there are no "outside influences" for him to remove himself from. What is he meant to do when the problem is entirely with him?]

But I'm not sure that's a realistic solution for me.

Hmm, thought we weren't talking about you? [He grins and laughs, shaking his head before taking another drink.]

You speak of your worst qualities as if you aren't in control of yourself Asogi-xiong, but if it's a temper you speak of, then there are ways to better that, aren't there?

There's certainly no way you're the only one here whose ever had that struggle.

[Kazuma scowls, because they clearly were talking about him and he'd been trying to concede with his pride intact and then Wei Wuxian called him out about it anyway, but he can't complain about that without sounding petulant, so scowling is all he can do. He's pretty sure Wei Wuxian did that on purpose, too. He hates this kind of guy.

And... despite his own defensive instincts, he's aware Wei Wuxian is just trying to help him, in some mystifying way. Kazuma may not understand why, but if nothing else, he is coming to learn that sometimes people offer help simply for its own sake; that an offer of compassion isn't something he always needs to second-guess or add to his ever-growing list of debts. So he goes quiet for a moment, considering Wei Wuxian's words seriously.

The problem is that Wei Wuxian makes it sound so simple, but if it is that simple, then why is Kazuma having a problem? Why can't he sort this out on his own, the way he's used to doing? Does it really come down to having to admit that he doesn't know what to do?

Why is that so hard?

Kazuma sighs through his nose; it's this or his pride, and he already knows where the latter will lead him. Still, he keeps his eyes on Wei Wuxian's own, studying his expression for any sign of insincerity. Of dismissiveness. He isn't quite ready to let his guard down completely.]

How?

[He lets out a soft little scoffing sound and shakes his head because he doesn't know how, if he did he'd have made Jiang Cheng do it! But it's obvious the subject is genuinely distressing for the man and so he laces his fingers together and rests his chin on top of them, furrowing his eyebrows as he considers the question.]

Well for starters, you could ask, couldn't you? Not me, I'm not good at that stuff, but there are people here who are.

But if it's a temper issue, maybe you just need to burn off your energy doing something else. That helps, doesn't it? When my brother used to get all worked up and angry, I'd just goad him into a fight and he'd feel better after.

Why don't you try sparring with someone?

[That's true, he could ask. As if it hadn't been hard enough to ask just now.

Some childish part of Kazuma deflates with disappointment at this answer, and he isn't even sure why. He'd been hoping for an easy epiphany, maybe. Something that could help shift his thinking enough so that everything would click into place and leave his resolution clear. He should know by now that isn't how life works. It's a problem for himself alone after all.

He offers Wei Wuxian a polite smile, regardless. He is only trying to help, but honestly, the idea of physically taking his anger out on someone makes Kazuma feel sick, even if it's done "safely." He doesn't want to fall into the trap of using violence as an outlet at all.]

I'll... consider it. Thank you.

[The man isn't convinced of his suggestion, Wei Wuxian can see it in him, but that's alright. He'd said himself this isn't his area of expertise, so hopefully he'll find someone who can offer something up that will help him. Wei Wuxian smiles back and shrugs.]

No need for that, we're teammates, aren't we? And anyway, you agreed to drink with me. You're doing me a favor. [He tips his glass towards Kazuma and then knocks back the rest of it.]

Ah, so this is nosy of me, but I've got to ask. The person you harmed, what brought it on? [He'd said it was a temper issue so it must have been provoked, but who knows what provocation looked like to him.]

Edited 2023-04-08 06:16 (UTC)

[Kazuma grimaces, and hides it by finishing the rest of his glass. Already his thoughts are fuzzing together, which he is blaming on the alcohol being strong and not on him being a lightweight.]

It wasn't even worth it. He stole something from me for one of those... tasks from the orbs. [He says it like he isn't quite sure he has the concept right.] When he returned it, and I realized he was the one who had it the whole time, I... just got so angry I couldn't think.

[As he looks darkly into his empty glass, he remembers something that makes that anger threaten to curl its way into his chest all over again.]

...He'd offered to help me look for it.

[He raises an eyebrow at that.]

He stole something from you and then pretended to help you look for it? [It was one thing to steal something per an orb goal. In Wei Wuxian's case, he'd have likely made it food or something inconsequential, but he can understand it's actually one of the less unkind goals. But offering to help look for it?]

Aiya, what an asshole! I'd have punched him too. [Which is probably not helpful to hear but still true.]

[Surprisingly, it does kind of help, and Kazuma lets out a startled laugh before he can stop himself.]

...Even so, it generally isn't considered the civilized way to settle things.

[It had really just felt too close to when he'd almost made a much worse mistake, but that's something he's still hesitant to admit. Strangely, though, hearing that from someone who doesn't know him does make him feel a little better. Maybe Wei Wuxian had the right idea with this after all.]

[He scoffs and shrugs, shaking his head.]

It was something important to you, wasn't it? [Because he'd cared to look for it and it'd been bad enough to punch the guy. Maybe it was sentimental. They were all here for a reason, they all had their demons and their pasts. The objects they arrived with on the Ximilia usually held some amount of significance, didn't they? Kazuma doesn't exactly strike him as the type to be upset over the monetary value of an item.]

He took it and then he stayed and played with your emotions and watched your suffer. Someone was definitely uncivilized, I'll tell you that.

[A pause.] I'm glad you got it back.

[It sounds a lot more reasonable when Wei Wuxian puts it that way, to be sure.]

Thank you.

[He sobers. There's really quite a bit that Wei Wuxian has done for him just now.]

For... all of this, I suppose. The distraction.

Aiya, I told you, didn't I? I needed it too. [He smiles.]

No need to thank me. But maybe we can do this again sometime when we aren't both so sorely in need of a distraction, hmm? Seems like you could use the practice building your tolerance. [He winks.]

[Kazuma can feel himself go bright red at the implication, his instinctive embarrassment only compounded by the blood already in his cheeks from the drink. Which is only more embarrassing. He can already tell that Wei Wuxian is the kind of person with whom there's no point in insisting he isn't that tipsy, but at least there's other topics to grasp for.]

And what is it you need a distraction from, then? [Just a little petulantly:] It's only fair.

[His smile wavers but it's just for a moment before it settles again.]

My friend is severely injured. He's going to be alright, Doctor McCoy has already stabilized him, but it...ah, well. You know. I suppose it was just a shock. [he laughs quietly under his breath and takes another long drink.]

He's one of those people who always seems untouchable.

[Kazuma's gaze falls: he can understand that feeling all too easily. He's only barely come to feel comfortable leaving Ryunosuke in the infirmary himself.]

I do, actually. [...He also might have been a little impatient with Dr McCoy too, come to think of it; he should probably apologize for that.] Dr McCoy does good work. I'm sure your friend will be on the mend in no time.

[As much as knowing that can truly help.]

He will be. [He smiles, aware of Itachi's own abilities to heal as well. The truth is if he wasn't going to make it, it would have been over already which is as reassuring as it is gut wrenching.]

But enough of that! I think you need a refill! [He lean over to fill Kazuma's cup again, all too happy to drink more and talk less about all of the feelings that fill him at the thought of losing his friend. Drinking is definitely safer.]

[Kazuma... probably doesn't need to be drinking anymore, but Wei Wuxian has already refilled him and, well--despite the topic that brought them here, there is something comforting about this, actually. About simply existing in the same space as someone else, without a true purpose. It's something he hasn't ever really experienced with anyone other than Ryunosuke. It's... nice.]

Well, it doesn't seem like it's up to me. [He says it like he's reluctantly conceding, but there's enough smile in his voice that it likely fools neither of them.]

Ha, now you're getting it! [He refills his own glass and holds it up for Kazuma to clink, calling out a cheers for both of them. It might be a momentary distraction from everything he doesn't want to think about right now, but it's an effective one and far better than drinking alone.

If he's lucky, by the time they're done here, Itachi will be well enough for him to go and see, and the sight of him will chase off any of those lingering sinking feelings in his stomach that even the alcohol can't quite chase away.

But for now he's content to drink with a new acquaintance.]

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