Wei Wuxian | 魏无羡 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
singlelogbridge) wrote2022-02-25 01:37 pm
singlelogbridge) wrote2022-02-25 01:37 pmInbox: Ximilia
// Wei Wuxian
TEXT • AUDIO • VIDEO
XIMILIA
singlelogbridge) wrote2022-02-25 01:37 pm
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[He doesn't clarify that it isn't the mission that's affecting him like this. Not exactly, anyway. It's a harmless enough assumption if it means Wei Wuxian won't pry.]
Kazuma Asogi.
[As they make their way to the kitchen, he falls into awkward silence. Having someone else around is grounding in a way he didn't expect, but he isn't sure what to do with the distraction now that he has it. He isn't much one for small talk at the best of times, and now certainly isn't that. As wretched as he feels, he can only hope Wei Wuxian doesn't expect much in the way of scintillating conversation.]
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Surname Kazuma then? [From what he's seen so far, Japanese names were given in the same order as his own, but he knows that it's entirely possible that someone might switch the order to make it clear to those here who were used to the reverse. He knows at least from Chuuta that while using birth names might not be quite as intimate as his own language, it wasn't appropriate either.
As they enter the kitchen, he gestures Kazuma to a table and then moves to a cabinet to retrieve a few jars of liquor from his home world. They aren't from the stock of Emperor's Smile that he consistently requests from the drops—this isn't an Emperor's Smile kind of mood—but it's something nice nonetheless. Also something strong which is what matters more.]
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Ah--no. My family name is Asogi.
[He's been speaking in English, and thus using the English order, simply out of habit--and because it's a strange comfort to him to use his own words, rather than rely on the mysterious translator to choose for him. It's surreal to suddenly realize it may not matter much in Wei Wuxian's case.
Kazuma lets the other man take the lead here: he seems happy enough to do it, and Kazuma is still feeling a little numb and uprooted from earlier. It's easier to hover on the periphery and just watch Wei Wuxian as he goes.]
You... seem to know right what to go for. Is this something you do often? [Impromptu day drinking, that is. Not that he's judging.]
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Ah, are you asking if I'm a drunk, Asogi-xiong? [He grins and raises an eyebrow. Before Asogi can feel too uncomfortable though, he lets out a laugh and shakes his head.]
Not too often. More often when I arrived but even then not so much. It would be hard not to know where things are kept after having been here for just short of a year.
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He murmurs a "thanks" in exchange for the drink, but as he lifts it to his mouth he hesitates. Something about this feels like a bad idea--he's never been the type to drink just to get drunk--but he also feels a little beyond caring.
Oh well. He knocks back a quick gulp--and immediately starts coughing, though thankfully he manages to choke it all down without incident.]
That was... stronger than I expected it to be.
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Aiya, you don't drink often, do you? Trying that hard to forget something, hmm? [He hums in understanding and takes a long sip of his own. He might be drinking to get his mind off of things, but a good buzz and good company will do the trick. He doesn't need to get blackout drunk for that. If Kazuma does, maybe he's in worse shape than he'd thought.]
You can talk about it you know. If you want to. [His smile loses some of its energy as he says so, his eyes fixed on his own drink.]
I know it's rude to acknowledge it when you'd probably rather be thinking of anything else, but sometimes it's easier talking to a stranger, isn't it?
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It's embarrassing, honestly, that he's having any kind of trouble with this. It isn't as though what happened is particularly scandalous. It's just that what it means for Kazuma, he isn't sure how to articulate--at least, not without actively talking about his feelings, which is something Kazuma has never had much practice at. He's not even sure how to start.
Well. Wei Wuxian is certainly trying to do him a kindness, so Kazuma supposes he deserves some answers.]
I... lost my temper. That's all. [And he's supposed to be getting better about that. The thought rattles him enough to take another drink.]
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Wei Wuxian wasn't one to lose his temper often or easily, but the last time he'd done it, there'd been a body count, so. He doubts at least that Asogi had done something quite as horrific.]
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...Yes.
[Not badly. He's sure the man has had worse, even. And he arguably even deserved it, but...
It just isn't what Kazuma wants to be. Vindictive, violent, destructive. Angry. How can he keep from spiraling again if this keeps happening? What will happen the next time he can't stop himself?]
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For a long moment he says nothing at all, only stares at his drinks and lifts it to swirl it around before finally setting it back down.]
I'm sorry. [Is what he settles on finally, because it hurts to harm someone like that. He never wants to feel that way again. He can't imagine it's very pleasant for Asogi either.]
...this place has a way of bringing out the worst in us sometimes. [He offers softly.]
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[Kazuma's grateful to have a drink, if only because it gives him something to look at other than Wei Wuxian's face. It lets him hold to the illusion that he's simply speaking out loud to the room, instead of making himself vulnerable to someone he's only just met.
He'd been thinking of this place as a second chance, a way to redeem himself after his mistakes--but what if it will have the opposite effect? Violence and death already feels so commonplace. What if it only makes Kazuma worse?]
Maybe... maybe I shouldn't be here.
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...that's one potential takeaway from it. But there will always be people and places like that in every world. It's certainly not unique to the Ximilia.
The personal goals and the complicated political situations we find ourselves in on each mission only magnify our flaws in a way that demands our immediate attention.
[He pauses.] For what it's worth, I've found that I've been able to temper some of my worst tendencies here thanks to the diversity of thought and perspective that the people here who are important to me provide.
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It's with that dark thought that he takes another hearty swallow of his drink, which goes down much more smoothly this time. Maybe he does want to be drunk. At least it might make him feel less self-conscious about having to vent to a stranger.]
And what if the time comes that you're no longer able to temper them? [He addresses Wei Wuxian directly, as if it's a simple inquiry into his business, but the true question is likely obvious.] What if you find yourself already in a situation you can't come back from?
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Asogi-xiong, I already did that. Why do you think I'm here? [Those specific flaws required outside influence though, and the Yin Tiger seal was broken, never to be used to harm anyone ever again. Even if some other outside force brought him back to that, there were people here who could stop him. His closest loved ones here would have an easy time putting him down. Not that any of that is relevant right now.]
But we're not talking about me, are we?
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Consider it hypothetical. [And that's all he'll say on that.]
I don't mean whatever might have happened to bring you to this station, I mean here and now. What happens if the people around you aren't enough to "temper your worst tendencies"? [His tone is neutral, as if he's truly asking a simple rhetorical question or presenting a thought experiment. The buzz is finally starting to descend, lending his gestures sharp confidence. He's in debate mode now.] What if being here simply causes you to become the worst version of yourself, despite all your efforts? What do you do then?
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I've been here for a year and I'm more at peace than I've ever been in my entire life. Your hypothetical simply doesn't work. And when I was at my worst, there were...outside influences. [That's the simple way of saying the thousands of ghosts living in his flute (and his head) liked to push him into giving into his anger.] Those influences don't exist here.
But. [His lips turn up at the corner.] If you insist on the impossible scenario you're describing, then those same people here who temper me also have the ability to put me down, quickly and efficiently. [Gwen wouldn't kill him. Itachi wouldn't kill him if there was another way. If he was truly and completely lost to madness, Itachi would know it's what he'd want.]
But something tells me that the worst version of myself and the worst version of yourself are very far apart. [Because he doubts Kazuma has the ability to turn into a raging indiscriminate mass murderer. Then again, there are a few of them on the station so who knows, maybe he does.]
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But still, none of Wei Wuxian's words do much to reassure him, because they are talking about very different things, it seems.]
Perhaps they are. [He pauses, solemn, unsure how to put his feelings into words. He has no desire to diminish what Wei Wuxian is telling him, but the problem is: there are no "outside influences" for him to remove himself from. What is he meant to do when the problem is entirely with him?]
But I'm not sure that's a realistic solution for me.
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You speak of your worst qualities as if you aren't in control of yourself Asogi-xiong, but if it's a temper you speak of, then there are ways to better that, aren't there?
There's certainly no way you're the only one here whose ever had that struggle.
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And... despite his own defensive instincts, he's aware Wei Wuxian is just trying to help him, in some mystifying way. Kazuma may not understand why, but if nothing else, he is coming to learn that sometimes people offer help simply for its own sake; that an offer of compassion isn't something he always needs to second-guess or add to his ever-growing list of debts. So he goes quiet for a moment, considering Wei Wuxian's words seriously.
The problem is that Wei Wuxian makes it sound so simple, but if it is that simple, then why is Kazuma having a problem? Why can't he sort this out on his own, the way he's used to doing? Does it really come down to having to admit that he doesn't know what to do?
Why is that so hard?
Kazuma sighs through his nose; it's this or his pride, and he already knows where the latter will lead him. Still, he keeps his eyes on Wei Wuxian's own, studying his expression for any sign of insincerity. Of dismissiveness. He isn't quite ready to let his guard down completely.]
How?
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Well for starters, you could ask, couldn't you? Not me, I'm not good at that stuff, but there are people here who are.
But if it's a temper issue, maybe you just need to burn off your energy doing something else. That helps, doesn't it? When my brother used to get all worked up and angry, I'd just goad him into a fight and he'd feel better after.
Why don't you try sparring with someone?
🎻🎻🎻🙄
Some childish part of Kazuma deflates with disappointment at this answer, and he isn't even sure why. He'd been hoping for an easy epiphany, maybe. Something that could help shift his thinking enough so that everything would click into place and leave his resolution clear. He should know by now that isn't how life works. It's a problem for himself alone after all.
He offers Wei Wuxian a polite smile, regardless. He is only trying to help, but honestly, the idea of physically taking his anger out on someone makes Kazuma feel sick, even if it's done "safely." He doesn't want to fall into the trap of using violence as an outlet at all.]
I'll... consider it. Thank you.
LOL
No need for that, we're teammates, aren't we? And anyway, you agreed to drink with me. You're doing me a favor. [He tips his glass towards Kazuma and then knocks back the rest of it.]
Ah, so this is nosy of me, but I've got to ask. The person you harmed, what brought it on? [He'd said it was a temper issue so it must have been provoked, but who knows what provocation looked like to him.]
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It wasn't even worth it. He stole something from me for one of those... tasks from the orbs. [He says it like he isn't quite sure he has the concept right.] When he returned it, and I realized he was the one who had it the whole time, I... just got so angry I couldn't think.
[As he looks darkly into his empty glass, he remembers something that makes that anger threaten to curl its way into his chest all over again.]
...He'd offered to help me look for it.
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He stole something from you and then pretended to help you look for it? [It was one thing to steal something per an orb goal. In Wei Wuxian's case, he'd have likely made it food or something inconsequential, but he can understand it's actually one of the less unkind goals. But offering to help look for it?]
Aiya, what an asshole! I'd have punched him too. [Which is probably not helpful to hear but still true.]
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...Even so, it generally isn't considered the civilized way to settle things.
[It had really just felt too close to when he'd almost made a much worse mistake, but that's something he's still hesitant to admit. Strangely, though, hearing that from someone who doesn't know him does make him feel a little better. Maybe Wei Wuxian had the right idea with this after all.]
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