singlelogbridge | Inbox: Ximilia

[ is her time limited. she wants to laugh. of course, it is. barring her own phenomenally bad cosmic luck, underneath the super-strength, the speed, the agility, she is human. she will die. gwen does not seek it; neither does she fear it for herself.

she holds off. it would be too easily construed as her laughing at him, and he looks hurt enough as is. ]

Remember when I told you about the Multiverse? [ back in taeum in their pillow room, practically sinking into them, explaining to him spider-ham, how they met, how they became friends. ]

When I first ventured into it, I learned in most universes I'm dead. Peter…he's always the one to be bitten by that spider. He gets the powers. I'm not Spider-Woman. I'm just…me.

There's a fight one night. Someone throws me off the bridge. Peter jumps after me. But he can't fall fast enough to catch up. He throws a web-line to catch me. [ she smiles ruefully. ] He forgets what happens when you bring a moving object to a sudden stop.

[ craning her neck, gwen looks up at the pale blue sky. ]

Over and over. I don't know how many times I've fallen off this bridge.

[It's a lot and he listens carefully, but before he can begin to process the rest, he just has to be sure.]

But not you you? You're okay?

[ the fondness with which she regards him is tinged by sadness. ] Me-me's still around, yes.

[The tension that had gripped him bleeds away, and he reaches over to drape an arm around her shoulders. Reassured that his Gwen isn't in any imminent danger, he takes the time now to consider all of what she'd shared. It's a lot to carry—for her that is. Knowing that her life had gone in such a different direction in so many other places and times...He still hasn't fully wrapped his mind around the multiverse concept, but he understands it enough to know it must weigh on her.]

You're not her. [He says, even knowing that it's only half true, unsure if the reassurance is for her or himself.] You're you.

You wouldn't fall, you'd fly.

[And then because that still feels incomplete] That must be so weird to live with.

Edited 2022-05-01 01:48 (UTC)

Kind of brain-breaking when I think about it too hard.

[ her voice is light—deliberately so. they all have their methods of coping. refusing to take shit seriously, making light of horror, injecting truly bad jokes where there shouldn't be…they keep her sane.

hugged into wei wuxian's side, gwen lets her head drop onto his shoulder. on the real bridge, they would hear and feel the constant traffic below them. here, there is only the wind and the occasional sound of seabirds. it’s a peaceful place, this grave marker. ]

I’m not afraid to die. [ despite the topic, her limbs remain loose and relaxed. ] Even without knowing all…this—I don’t exactly lead a safe life.

I dive into burning buildings. I get in the way of jackasses with guns. Death’s been keeping me company for years. I will die one day.

I just hope… [ the corner of her mouth turns up in a little smile. ] I hope I can feel like the hero I want to be. Before it happens.

Edited 2022-05-01 22:44 (UTC)

[It's not nearly as bad as when Wen Qing had dug into his qi and begun to pull out the golden core inside of him, but Gwen's words leave him with an echo of that same feeling. He tenses against her and looks down. It's a long drop. Definitely fatal. From this height, hitting the water would be the same as hitting stone, and he wonders if that's a better way to go than falling into molten heat and burning away.]

You will. [He says, trying to keep his focus.] You already are.

[Guilt tugs at him, turning his stomach, and he closes his eyes.]

Gwen. There's something I need to tell you.

[ raising her head, she turns to look at him. his tone pulls a little furrow between her brows. ]

[Itachi told him that Gwen could handle it. That it was up to her, not Wei Wuxian. And Gwen is strong, he knows that. It doesn't stop his hands from shaking or his breath from stuttering. He tries to start and stops more than once. In the end he sighs and starts talking before he can retreat again.]

I made a lot of mistakes in my world. I made choices that hurt people. Hurt people I cared about. [And a hell of a lot of other people too. But that's not where they're starting. Not right now.]

It...I...[He rubs a hand over his face and shakes his head. Making the decision was easy. He was never supposed to have to live with it. He was never supposed to make others live with it. (But he'd done that even before Gwen, he just hadn't wanted to think about it.)]

I fell. [He finally says, taking his arm back from around her to place both hands in his lap. That's not true. Not exactly.]

I lost almost everyone. My sect. My second family. My...my sister. And it was...[He exhales and feels his strength go with it, slumping over to catch his face in his hands.] I was so tired, Gwen. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to rest.

There was a cliff and I. [He swallows again, hands still covering his face.] Anyway, I woke up here right after. [He's quiet for a moment after until he drags a tired laugh from his lips.] Didn't think I'd ever have to tell anyone. I'm sure you can guess why.

[ her brain, perhaps trying to spare her, does not immediately make the connection. or it does not make the connection consciously. the jump in her heart rate, the shallowing of her breathing, the sudden cold that drops through her chest and shoots through each limb…on some level she knows even before her mind finally presents the word.

she has an abrupt, wild, incongruous need to laugh. not some weeks ago she was making newt throw out his remaining pills out of fear he might try it again. (maybe she should web wei wuxian down? the drop from the bridge is lethal. she has ample proof to the fact.)

and then, like a switch was finally thrown, the whole of her is attuned only to him. ]

Thank you for telling me.

[ she lays her hand over his. her long nails are painted pink, the thumb black. it coordinates with his: red with the thumbs painted white. a tiny color swap. he carries something of hers; she carries something of his. ]

Is that— [ she has to stop. clear her throat. ] Is that something you still want?

[He turns his hand to clasp hers almost as soon as she's reached for him, holding her hand tight in his own. For a moment all he can do it shake his head, not trusting his voice. He curls closer to her instinctively.]

No.

Just the first day. When I got here. I wasn't going to do anything, but it was still in me. [He turns his head into her shoulder, continuing to speak even though he's slightly muffled.]

I never wanted to die. I always fought so hard to live. I just...I just wanted the pain to stop. I just wanted to rest.

[ gwen shifts to accommodate him. a hand still in his. the other wrapping around his back like she could somehow squeeze every terrible, dangerous thought from his mind. except the worst happened already. this isn't like newt who luckily, blessedly, failed in his goal. because he jumped or let himself fall…

the thought leaves her cold.

I'm so sorry, Wei Wuxian.

[ sorry for what he suffered. sorry he felt he needed to take such an action.

her hands find his face. gently, she tilts his head up until they are eye-to-eye. her thumb sweeps a tender arc over his cheek. ]

You are so much braver and stronger than you’re giving yourself credit for. It's rough to see that sometimes. I know from personal experience…just how rough that can be. It's so easy to see only the worst sometimes. But you are so much more than your mistakes. You're funny, and you're good, and you have such a big heart. I am so, so lucky to call you my friend.

[ her smile is heartbreakingly kind. ]

Even if you can't see that right now, I do. You can borrow my eyes until you can see it too.

[If she hadn't lifted his face up, he'd have buried it even deeper into her shoulder at her words, the kindness like a lance through his heart. He aches with it and he closes his eyes, tears slipping silently down his cheeks.

It's fine, He wants to say, but can't bring the words to pass his lips. That's probably for the best, he has a feeling she might hit him for it if he did. Instead he only sits there and continues to cry. He leans into one of her hands, marveling at the warmth in them.]

You're too good to me. [One day, not today, he'll tell her everything. He'll tell her what he'd done and why he made it to that point on that cliff. Gwen deserves that and more. For now though he only revels in her affection, weighted down by his own past but safe in the knowledge that he isn't alone.]

I promise I won't do that again. I promise.

[ gwen's heart aches powerfully in her chest. she could argue with him: he is worth every kindness in the world. she could explain how much he has come to mean to her in so little time. she could threaten him that, no, he won't do it again, because if he tries, she will web him to her permanently.

none comes close to expressing her fear or her sorrow or her love.

wordlessly, gwen rests her brow against his. she winds her arms around him. she holds him close. ]

[Wei Wuxian inhales slowly and winds his own arms around her back.

Wen Qing and Shijie were nothing alike, not really. And Gwen isn't anymore like either of them then they were like each other. Still, she holds him and he feels the echo of Shijie's arms and the warmth of Wen Qing's teasing smile. Gwen isn't a replacement for either of them, but he knows they both would have loved her.

He knows he loves her too, that she's filled a place in his heart that he didn't think would ever feel like anything but a gaping wound.

With a soft exhale, he curls his fingers around her shirt.

He can't undo the mistakes of his life. Can't take any of it back no matter how much he wants to. But sitting here with Gwen's arms wrapped around him, he wonders for the first time if maybe...maybe moving forward in this second chance at life (however undeserved) is okay.]

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