singlelogbridge | Inbox: Ximilia

If it's been four years, I don't think that's working for you. [He says bluntly, but not unkindly.

It's a strange comparison to make considering all of his previous interactions with Chuuta, but in this moment, it's impossible not to see the striking resemblance to Jiang Cheng. He's so angry and he's so hurt, it's difficult to separate one from the other.]

What happened? I know this is more than the two of you not working out. I think if it were that, you don't strike me as the type to hold on for so long. [I just want her to listen. Not I want her back. Not I want her to love me. It means something. She hurt everyone.

And suddenly, Wei Wuxian thinks he might understand, just a little.]

...she sacrificed herself, didn't she.

She didn't have to! [He says, quieter than a yell but still angry, still so frustrated with everything.]

I know she was supposed to, and I know it would have screwed things up, but she didn't have to die! She didn't have to take-- [Drew. Even now, even when he's talking about her, he can't talk about Drew.]

I couldn't talk her out of it. I tried and I screwed up and now they're gone! I just need to fix it. It doesn't matter what happens to me, it doesn't matter if I have to do something terrible, I just need to convince her not to go!

[Wei Wuxian closes his eyes but it doesn't stop the silent tears that escape past his eyelids and slip quietly into the grass he's laying on. (It's the sinking feeling in his gut about Gwen's absence. It's the hopelessness he's felt for the people of this world since he arrived. It's Shijie taking the sword meant for him. It's Wen Qing and Wen Ning saying their goodbyes.)

It's Chuuta, his pain echoing loudly against the wall of Wei Wuxian's ribs.]

I'm sorry. [He says simply, voice gone quieter than before because what else is he supposed to say when Chuuta's loss mirrors so many of his own and he still doesn't have any idea what to do about them.]

[He's running out of steam. He's never been the sort of person who can keep up an emotional outburst for long, it just rushes out and he's left breathing too hard and thinking he messed up again.]

I have to make her listen. [He says, again and quieter, and he hears that "I'm sorry" but he has to keep explaining. This mission is a new one, but the last one still lingers, the personal goal achieved and weighing on him.] So I can't just skip out on a personal assignment that I don't like. I'm not smart, and I'm not observant, and I don't have any special powers, so all I can do is try to help people and make sure that I've done what I have to do so when you all find the orb I don't miss out.

Edited 2023-03-12 23:23 (UTC)

Miss out...[He echoes as he tries to digest the words.

Wei Wuxian doesn't think about his regret very often these days. He believes in gathering the orbs to protect the universe from the chaos they might unleash, but as for his own regret...? He completes his personal goals as often as he ignores them.

What's the point of giving Shijie another chance if he becomes someone she'd be disappointed with in the process?

But he'd had his own journey to come to that conclusion. Chuuta will find whatever way best suits him.]

You can hurt me, Chuuta. Or betray me. Whenever you need to for your goal. I won't mind. [If it's that important then why not. Better him than someone else.]

I don't want to. But... I will. [He keeps having the same dream, keeps seeing Captain Madigan standing in the halls of the space station, looking him over and Not bad, Kokonose. Don't hesitate next time..

He'll have to. And he will. And he'll do whatever it takes, over and over again until it's finally enough.]

And-- [Whatever it takes. That's what Captain Madigan had done. It had almost been worth it in the end.] If you need to hurt someone, or betray someone, you can use me.

No, I won't. [He says softly, opening his eyes and siting up.]

My sister died for me. That's my regret. That's part of it. My best friend too. So many of my friends. So many people I loved. [He exhales shakily and lets out a soft hum.]

I decided a long time ago that there's no point in becoming someone she'd hate in order to give her another chance.

She was the kindest person you could ever know. Sweet and compassionate. And terrifying when she wanted to be, when someone tried to hurt someone she loved. [he laughs at the memory of it, soft and sad.] I won't disappoint her. I can't.

If I let you, then it's fine. [That's how this works. If someone says "you can hurt me", says "you can kill me", then it's not something that needs to be a weight on your conscience. That's something Chuuta learned a long time ago.]

I'm sure she'd understand.

You didn't know my sister. [He says with an underlying current of affection.]

I'm sorry Chuuta, but I won't. I've already blown off so many of those goals anyway. Why start completing them now?

[He sits on the ground, feeling worn out by the conversation.]

But what if it isn't enough? What if being a good person means that you can't save her?

[I can't save her even if I do fix it he doesn't say. What does it matter if he creates some parallel reality where she's safe? It doesn't mean it didn't happen. There is no changing the past, not truly.

But even if he could...]

Then I'll learn to accept it. [Not live with it because he can't, but acceptance at least he could manage while he was here.]

And I'll know I didn't give her reason to be disappointed in me. [Not anymore than he already had.]

I know they'd be disappointed in me. [He says, and his hands grab uselessly at the front of his own shirt, like that's going to stop the aching emptiness in his chest, the echoing silence in the back of his head.]

But I can't accept it. Not when I can finally do something to change it. I don't know how you could.

You don't have to know. We don't have to be the same, do we? [He stands then, rising to his feet and padding over to Chuuta to set a hand on one shoulder.]

So from now on you can tell me when you need help with your goal. You're not in this alone, Chuuta.

I only have one condition. If you're going to betray or harm me, no one else can get hurt.

[He flinches at the hand on his shoulder, but doesn't pull away.]

I hope I don't have to hurt anyone again. I was really worried they were all going to be like that.

But if you're okay with it, I won't hurt anyone else.

They aren't all like that. [He says quietly.]

Sometimes they're ridiculous. Singing and dancing...and sometimes they force you to do something you don't want to but that won't hurt anyone. And sometimes they can be cheated, even if they do involve hurting. [His hand drops away and he exhales softly, relieved.]

I'm okay with it, we have a deal.

There are a lot of people who offer to help with tough goals like that too. I was told to punch someone who didn't deserve it once, and Doctor McCoy volunteered. [A beat.] And then he made fun of my punch because I held back. You know what I did then?

Did you punch him again? [Chuuta says, a little bit wryly. He wouldn't, but he can think of several people who would.]

[His lips pull up into a half smirk.]

He called my punch weak! He was bullying me! [The smile softens again but the lightened mood stays with him.]

He wasn't mad. I think he knew exactly what he was doing. My point is that people here will help if you ask for it.

[That does finally get a smile out of Chuuta, just a little one.]

Thank you. Do you need any help with your goal this time?

Me? Ah...hm.. No, I'm alright, it's nothing like any of those terrible ones. [He smiles at Chuuta but does not specify what his goal is.]

Anyway, are you feeling any better? If you'd like, you can come with me to find the right material to craft your new flute, hmm?

I have to make a flute? [Questions of if he's actually feeling better or not can be shoved aside, the more important thing is that apparently he actually has to make his own flute?]

[That gets a laugh out of him and he nudges Chuuta in the shoulder, gesturing for him to follow.]

Where exactly did you expect me to pull another flute from? Come on, come on, let's just hope we can find something close to bamboo here! If you're very nice to me, I won't even make you carve it yourself.

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