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[ that gets huaisang out of whatever half-trance he has seemed to be in; he swirls round to look at wei wuxian, eyes wide, as if processing the words.

i'm sorry i wasn't there for you. how — how can he stand there, after everything that had happened to him, after the entire world had abandoned him and deemed him evil and killed those closest to him, and profess to be sorry for not having been there for someone like huaisang, who never even tried to help him?

is there no end to the compassion wei wuxian has for those he calls friends? how could anyone have gone through what he had and still find it in him to — care?

huaisang opens his mouth.

what should come out is an empty thank you, and protests that he was well looked after, between his brother's two sworn brothers.

what comes out instead is something completely different. ]

When all this is over and I go back, if I can decide when that is... I'll make sure it is before everything. I'll convince da-ge to help you and the Wen.

[ he falls silent abruptly, as if surprised by his own declaration — but it isn't any less convincing. it isn't said by the headshaker, or even the class-avoiding, bird-loving friend wei wuxian remembers from all those years ago. no, the words belong to someone else — someone who most of the world has never actually seen. ]

Edited (one weird repeat word was annoying me) 2022-09-10 06:38 (UTC)

[For a moment, Wei Wuxian's mask cracks and there's a painfully raw vulnerability on his face. Some horrible mix of sorrow, fear, and hope before he can shutter it away behind a weak smile. He opens his mouth to say something light—not a joke given the topic of conversation, but something to lesson the weight of Huaisang's words—and he chokes instead, looking away.

Huaisang has always been his friend, but there's a depth to his words now that makes Wei Wuxian wonder if he's never realized how much of one. A boyhood friendship shouldn't have stood up to the accusations levied against him. It shouldn't have stood up to the weight of every crime he'd committed, where his guilt and responsibility were absolute. But Huaisang is here. He's here like it was never a question at all. He swallows over a lump in his throat.

He doesn't think Huaisang's idea will work. Less due to any of the logistics and more because he can't afford to hope it will. (And then there's what his own regret will do to their world.)

It doesn't matter though and he shakes his head, letting out a soft laugh that doesn't entirely hide how wet it is.]

You're a better friend than I deserve, Nie-xiong.

No, I really am not.

[ it is easier, this — to shift his focus from the wealth and beauty of their surroundings and the horrors that this place represents for both of them, to what had (or had not) happened back home. ]

A better friend would have tried to do something instead of deciding it was futile. [ but he had thought to himself, if jiang-xiong couldn't do anything, how could i? he had thought, da-ge is already so on edge, this would just aggravate him further. he had thought, no one would listen to me anyway.

but that wasn't true, was it? da-ge would have. not happily, not without arguments, but he would have. lan wangji would have. and between the two of them, perhaps xichen could have been persuaded to act instead of standing to the side, silent. ]

[He shakes his head, though he remains quiet for the moment. What could Huaisang have done? What could anyone? He didn't stand with them. He wasn't there that day. It might have been small and it might have had more to do with his hatred of combat, but for Wei Wuxian is was enough.]

No. They just would have turned on you too. [Not physically, not with Nie Mingjue guarding him, but they would have found other ways to harm him. It's the last thing he wanted for any of his friends. He's silent for a long time before he speaks again, and when he does, his words are quiet, his eyes staring off into the distance of Lanling]

Sometimes I think it was fate. I'd been living on borrowed time since Uncle Fengmian took me in. [He chuckles quietly under his breath to hide the way his breath hitches.]

Most kids like me starve on the streets, but I was given a home and raised as a cultivator. I was really lucky. And I didn't—[He cuts himself off, swallowing hard.] The Jiangs suffered for it. Maybe I was supposed to stay on those streets.

[ he doesn't argue the first point; after all, he's true — though perhaps instead of turning on him, they would have made fun of him, thought him soft, and he'd have made no difference. if the lan elders turned even on lan wangji for his actions, what could nie huaisang have accomplished?

(much, he thinks, but only if he got started early enough. the soft boy he used to be couldn't have — but the viper that now looks at him in the mirror, forced to mold himself into the shadow of his worst enemy... he could. he will.)

his brow furrows as wei wuxian keeps speaking, though; the more he says, the quicker huaisang thinks back to little things, things he remembers from a childhood visit to lotus pier, from rumors that he heard and dismissed, from interactions witnessed years ago and some more recently.

the more wei wuxian says, the more things slot into place in huaisang's mind. ]

Wei-xiong, [ he says, fan fluttering in his hand, voice carefully light, a touch confused, ] What do you mean the Jiangs suffered for it? The Jiangs suffered because of Wen Ruohan, not because of you. What happened to Lotus Pier... it wasn't your fault.

[For a long moment, his eyes rest elsewhere, unfocused gaze staring out over the fabricated shape of Jinlintai. He'd forgotten momentarily that Huaisang was not present inside of the Xuanwu cave to see Wei Wuxian taunt Wen Chao and take him captive. For a moment he considers sharing the story, explaining to his friend how that incident was likely what had finalized the target on Yunmeng Jiang's back.

Instead of explaining, he remembers the burning of Lotus Pier, Madam's Yu's shrieked accusations, and the pressure of Jiang Cheng's fingers wrapped around his throat. Your fault. All your fault.

Yunmeng Jiang would have taken casualties in the war, but Wen Chao came to the steps of Lotus Pier because of him. Madam Yu wasn't wrong. Jiang Cheng wasn't wrong. The smile he turns on Huaisang is weak and doesn't reach his eyes.]

Hmm, of course, you're right.

[He wouldn't understand and Wei Wuxian has no desire to debate this truth. Easier then, to say what will be easier for his friend to stomach.]

[ hm, he thinks, and commits this conversation to memory. will he ever find what exactly happened? unlikely, though from what information trickled to qinghe from the attack, and what he was able to piece together from jiang cheng's scathing comments after it all had been over — one here, one there, non-sequiturs in that their content only jiang cheng himself had the context for... but huaisang did not forget.

will not forget.

he smiles at wei wuxian as if relieved that his friend is in agreement, waves his hand as if quickly dismissing the topic. ]

Well — we're here now, aren't we? We can make it all right again. What did you wish for? For the attack not to happen?

[ it is cruel, this — but he needs to see. ]

[It isn't a surprise that Huaisang asks, but it does strike him as slightly discordant given the nature of their conversation here. Then again, it is Huaisang. With a somewhat wry smile, Wei Wuxian shakes his head.]

That would do nothing for the Wen remnant. [And if Jiang Cheng didn't lose his core, if Wei Wuxian didn't sacrifice his own, who knows if he'd have gained the power to win the war?]

But this is such a dreary topic, Nie-xiong, haven't we been dwelling on the past for long enough? Let's go have a drink!

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