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[ The effusive thanks are what Lan Wangji wanted to avoid. He knows— thinks; foolishly hopes— that the thanks are only for telling him, and nothing more. That he doesn't suspect a-Yuan is tucked up safely in Cloud Recesses. It's not a debt he wants Wei Wuxian to assume, or think it was done out of obligation.

But even those thanks are too much. It is the bare minimum Lan Wangji can do, offer some comfort in this world that makes no sense, and comes rather late. But he lets Wei Wuxian cling to him, and only stiffens once Wei Wuxian wraps arms around his torso. Hugs, other than the ones a-Yuan has given him, are just as foreign to him as tears and push into boundaries Lan Wangji has long cultivated, even longer than he's been cultivating a golden core. He does stop humming now, and he kneels there, stiff and awkward, one hand on Wei Wuxian's back, the other hanging by his side. What does he do with his other hand? His arm? How does he return a hug?

Maybe he should practice this. There is a child waiting for him, after all, and even now, Lan Wangji does not want him to grow up unaware of affection. He doesn't know when he'll get to see a-Yuan again, but that is a thought he resolutely pushes out of his head. ] Wei Ying. Do not thank me.

[At Lan Wangji's stiffening, Wei Wuxian pulls back, releasing him and pulling one arm tightly around his own middle while the other covers his face. He'd gotten carried away and he doesn't want to make Lan Wangji uncomfortable, especially after the things he'd said to him last time. He shouldn't assume so much. He shakes his head and takes several deep breaths, steadying himself and leaning back into his cot.]

I needed to hear it, Lan Zhan. I needed it so badly. [He wipes at his nose and eyes one final time before lowering his arm to hug himself with both.]

If he lives, it wasn't all for nothing. [He can't understand what that means. To know all of the sacrifice, the loss and lonely nights. Not being able to see his own sister's wedding, defecting from the Jiang sect. If one little boy lived because of it, it was worth it.

But he'd thought. Well.]

Sorry. You can go. You should go. I didn't mean to—[He catches himself and sighs quietly.] Just. Sorry.

[ When Wei Wuxian pulls back, Lan Wangji lets his hand drop back to his side, shifting his attention away, although he watches Wei Wuxian from beneath his lashes. ] It is fine.

[ He goes to reach into his sleeves for a handkerchief to pass to Wei Wuxian, only to come up empty. He'd given one to Wei Wuxian before and never bothered to replace it. He settles his hands back in his lap, lifting his eyes to gaze over Wei Wuxian's shoulder. ] Wei Ying. Thank you.

[Wei Wuxian stifles something that sounds like a hysterical laugh before it can fully form and he shakes his head, eyes on the floor.]

Don't. Don't thank me. I've done nothing worth thanks.

Lan Zhan, what I said. I didn't mean it. I...[The words are shameful and so he forces himself to speak them.] I meant to hurt you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for always being so cruel.

[ Wei Wuxian doesn't know what Lan Wangji is thanking for, and that's fine; Lan Wangji isn't sure he could articulate his feelings on it. ] Wei Ying. There is no need for sorry.

[ He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that those words had been designed to hurt, Wei Wuxian lashing out, angry with the world. It's better than cold indifference, at least. And knowing he didn't mean it eases something in his chest.

No one will ever know him as well as Wei Wuxian, so even if he does not know Wei Wuxian in return, that will be there. ]

Are you alright? [ He'd said so much in their argument yesterday, and beyond the immediate need to escape so he didn't say something damaging or fall into an argument he was ill-prepared to have, Lan Wangji had been concerned. None of this has been easy. ]

[He opens his mouth to say yes, he's fine, to tell him that everything is better now, that he doesn't have to worry about seeing him like this again, to tell him anything but the truth.]

I don't remember what alright is.

[It's the exhaustion and the relief. The honesty already pouring from his tongue and the incoherency of sleep deprivation. The words spill forth without thought or plan. He regrets it the moment it's out and he flinches, shaking his head, dragging a bleary smile to his lips.]

Ah...Lan zhan, you know me. I always bounce back.

[ 'No,' he wants to say. 'You don't always bounce back. You didn't.'

But that's too much, and too open, and he is not going to tell his zhiji about his own death, about how it felt to watch him fall, to hear him plead for Lan Wangji to let go. He turns his gaze to study Wei Wuxian's face in the dim light from the hall, only able to mostly see him because of his improved vision. ]

Lying is forbidden, Wei Ying.

[His expression shatters for a moment, a crack in the mask he's desperately trying to construct again. For a horrifying second he wants to lean forward again into Lan Wangji's arms and scream.

He leans back instead, looking away lest he do something foolish.]

When have your Lan rules ever stopped me? [There's amusement in his voice, but it's thin and brittle. The pasted on smile of a question.]

Lan Zhan, I am what am I needed to be. So, I will be alright. A-Yuan is safe. What else should I need? [Wen Qing and Wen Ning dead, the rest of the Wen remnant likely suffered the same fate. Jiang Cheng and Shijie likely won't speak to him again before his death. He'll never see Shijie again, probably. Shijie's life ruined at his own hands. But a-Yuan is safe. He's safe.

Whatever happens to him now, he can die at peace. The rest is out of his hands.]

[ Lan Wangji doesn't stare at people unless they happen to be crossing lines he deems unacceptable. Or they are Wei Wuxian. So he keeps staring.

Tone and demeanor and obfuscated words have always been somewhat foreign to Lan Wangji, never diplomatic enough, never interested in playing the polite games his brother handles with ease. He doesn't even grasp lies very well. But he knows Wei Wuxian. ] You need to live.

[ So Lan Wangji can stop feeling the hollow in his chest, stop having to ask himself what Wei Wuxian would do in various situations, so he can see his soulmate again, in a world far removed from here. ] As a person. As Wei Ying.

[ As more than a tool, more than just a nobody. Wei Wuxian's always been important. ]

[He blinks and the smile vanishes, the words sinking into him like a slow blade. There are a lot of things he can say to it. For a second he considers summoning the smile back and answering only 'isn't it a little too late for that?' His fate is sealed. It's over. The Yiling Patriarch has finally fallen.

Or he could ask what Lan Wangji means when they both already know that he's destined to die. What does it mean to live when death is so close? What does it mean to live here in Llave when every minute is borrowed time? Time he doesn't deserve. Should he live here? Did he have the right to move forward knowing the mess he'd left in the past? Why should he have this and not Jin Zixuan? Not Wen Qing? Granny Wen?

Both questions haunt him. Both carry weight.

But there is a greater question still. One that matters more than both. One that he can't answer.]

Why?

[He's a curse. A curse on everyone he loves. Everyone who has ever loved him is dead or betrayed. He has nothing to offer the world but pain. Why should he live?

(It isn't that he wants to die or that he would ever take matters into his own hands, is the thing. He doesn't think he does, most days. It's just. It's just that closing his eyes and letting it all fade away seems like it might be one of the better choices he's ever made in his life.)]

Edited 2020-12-04 07:51 (UTC)

[ Why is a question Lan Wangji has always struggled with. Why. People rarely ask him why or question his motives at all, and he appreciates that. If people do, he generally walks away. But he can't do that right now with Wei Wuxian, not when he's walked away so many times. Not when something stretches between them, fragile and important.

He thinks of the three hundred lashes from the bastinados and the pain from that. Kneeling in the cave, studying the rules, facing them in a different context. It's only been the past few months that he's been well enough to study them, and it's still a struggle to look at those rules and find acceptance in what occurred. Why lines every rule he reads, now. Why.

Why, Wei Wuxian asks, and Lan Wangji doesn't know how to answer. No. He can't answer without digging into his very core, deeper than the golden core that allows him to be a cultivator. It's too much, especially now.

He looks away again, shoulders slumping slightly before he finds the energy inside him to sit up straight once again. ] You are important.

[ 'You are good' lingers on the tip of his tongue, but he already feels too exposed, too open, and he remembers how Wei Wuxian reacted to that before. He'll keep that, hold on to that truth, until Wei Wuxian can accept his words. ]

['To who, Lan Zhan?' He wants to ask. 'To You?' He holds his tongue knowing that there isn't a single answer to that question that wouldn't destroy him. Instead he closes his eyes and breathes in, a long shuddered inhale.

He doesn't think he's important. He was a little bit once, if only for who he stood with. Then he was very important during the war because of what he brought to the table. Now though, how can he be important? He is not good. He is not strong or wise. He is not able. He has nothing to offer. He is not important to Jiang Cheng or Jiang Yanli. They'll hate him now. He is not important to the Wen Remnant because he'd failed them. He might be important to a-Yuan, but a-Yuan is young enough he'll forget about him soon enough and that's for the better. He will find someone else who'll take care of him and feed him and buy him all the toys he wants.

Wei Wuxian is a man who has outlived his use.

('Am I important to you, Lan Zhan? Is that what you mean?')

Lan Wangji deserved a better zhiji.

He only shakes his head, too tired to do anything more. Too tired to think on these things anymore.]

Lan Zhan, I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm very tired. My head is so...so loud. So busy. Will you...can I ask you for a favor?

Yes.

[ 'Anything,', he doesn't add because that would be too much, too quickly, and there are lines Lan Wangji won't cross. Don't ask him to let go again, Wei Wuxian. ] Rest?

[ The song, he means. To lull Wei Wuxian into a peaceful slumber. ]

['Will you stay until I sleep?'

His eyes remain closed but his lips curve up into the faintest of smiles.]

Mmm. You read my mind. [It serves the same purpose anyway, and it's a better question. Less selfish, he thinks. Or less obvious about his selfishness.] If it isn't too much trouble.

It is not. [ He rises from his kneeling position to give Wei Wuxian a little more space, and room to summon his guqin. ] I will play until you fall asleep.

[Spiritual songs have no power over him anymore, not now that he is no longer a spiritual conduit. But no sooner has Wei Wuxian crawled back into his cot and Lan Wangji begun to play, than his eyelids are heavy as stones and he feels himself sinking into blissed unconsciousness. He has time enough to mutter a thank you under his breath before sleep welcomes him into its arms.]

[ Even over the sound of the win, it's easy to tell when Wei Wuxian's breathing settles, indicating that he's fallen asleep. It would be easy to leave, then.

Instead, he continues playing, until the sun starts cresting over the horizon, hinting that it is time to start his day. ]

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