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[He blinks and the smile vanishes, the words sinking into him like a slow blade. There are a lot of things he can say to it. For a second he considers summoning the smile back and answering only 'isn't it a little too late for that?' His fate is sealed. It's over. The Yiling Patriarch has finally fallen.

Or he could ask what Lan Wangji means when they both already know that he's destined to die. What does it mean to live when death is so close? What does it mean to live here in Llave when every minute is borrowed time? Time he doesn't deserve. Should he live here? Did he have the right to move forward knowing the mess he'd left in the past? Why should he have this and not Jin Zixuan? Not Wen Qing? Granny Wen?

Both questions haunt him. Both carry weight.

But there is a greater question still. One that matters more than both. One that he can't answer.]

Why?

[He's a curse. A curse on everyone he loves. Everyone who has ever loved him is dead or betrayed. He has nothing to offer the world but pain. Why should he live?

(It isn't that he wants to die or that he would ever take matters into his own hands, is the thing. He doesn't think he does, most days. It's just. It's just that closing his eyes and letting it all fade away seems like it might be one of the better choices he's ever made in his life.)]

Edited 2020-12-04 07:51 (UTC)

[ Why is a question Lan Wangji has always struggled with. Why. People rarely ask him why or question his motives at all, and he appreciates that. If people do, he generally walks away. But he can't do that right now with Wei Wuxian, not when he's walked away so many times. Not when something stretches between them, fragile and important.

He thinks of the three hundred lashes from the bastinados and the pain from that. Kneeling in the cave, studying the rules, facing them in a different context. It's only been the past few months that he's been well enough to study them, and it's still a struggle to look at those rules and find acceptance in what occurred. Why lines every rule he reads, now. Why.

Why, Wei Wuxian asks, and Lan Wangji doesn't know how to answer. No. He can't answer without digging into his very core, deeper than the golden core that allows him to be a cultivator. It's too much, especially now.

He looks away again, shoulders slumping slightly before he finds the energy inside him to sit up straight once again. ] You are important.

[ 'You are good' lingers on the tip of his tongue, but he already feels too exposed, too open, and he remembers how Wei Wuxian reacted to that before. He'll keep that, hold on to that truth, until Wei Wuxian can accept his words. ]

['To who, Lan Zhan?' He wants to ask. 'To You?' He holds his tongue knowing that there isn't a single answer to that question that wouldn't destroy him. Instead he closes his eyes and breathes in, a long shuddered inhale.

He doesn't think he's important. He was a little bit once, if only for who he stood with. Then he was very important during the war because of what he brought to the table. Now though, how can he be important? He is not good. He is not strong or wise. He is not able. He has nothing to offer. He is not important to Jiang Cheng or Jiang Yanli. They'll hate him now. He is not important to the Wen Remnant because he'd failed them. He might be important to a-Yuan, but a-Yuan is young enough he'll forget about him soon enough and that's for the better. He will find someone else who'll take care of him and feed him and buy him all the toys he wants.

Wei Wuxian is a man who has outlived his use.

('Am I important to you, Lan Zhan? Is that what you mean?')

Lan Wangji deserved a better zhiji.

He only shakes his head, too tired to do anything more. Too tired to think on these things anymore.]

Lan Zhan, I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm very tired. My head is so...so loud. So busy. Will you...can I ask you for a favor?

Yes.

[ 'Anything,', he doesn't add because that would be too much, too quickly, and there are lines Lan Wangji won't cross. Don't ask him to let go again, Wei Wuxian. ] Rest?

[ The song, he means. To lull Wei Wuxian into a peaceful slumber. ]

['Will you stay until I sleep?'

His eyes remain closed but his lips curve up into the faintest of smiles.]

Mmm. You read my mind. [It serves the same purpose anyway, and it's a better question. Less selfish, he thinks. Or less obvious about his selfishness.] If it isn't too much trouble.

It is not. [ He rises from his kneeling position to give Wei Wuxian a little more space, and room to summon his guqin. ] I will play until you fall asleep.

[Spiritual songs have no power over him anymore, not now that he is no longer a spiritual conduit. But no sooner has Wei Wuxian crawled back into his cot and Lan Wangji begun to play, than his eyelids are heavy as stones and he feels himself sinking into blissed unconsciousness. He has time enough to mutter a thank you under his breath before sleep welcomes him into its arms.]

[ Even over the sound of the win, it's easy to tell when Wei Wuxian's breathing settles, indicating that he's fallen asleep. It would be easy to leave, then.

Instead, he continues playing, until the sun starts cresting over the horizon, hinting that it is time to start his day. ]

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