singlelogbridge | Inbox: Ximilia

[Ziggy had had her hands full on their quest to the gates to South Naelor, to Fort Gorlouch — especially when it came to the hallucinations that had plagued so many of them in their trip. The aftermath of it had left her a solemn and quiet thing, self-isolated to the back of her party as they make their way to the fortress walls. Truth be told, it had been an experience she couldn't fully explain yet to the others, not without getting worked up and feeling the awful memory of home strike her like a semi truck.

So she shrinks away and hides in on herself, goes quiet and deflated, not only with the horror of nearly hurting her own crewmates, but also having images reburned into the backs of her eyelids from final moments that she has never quite recuperated from. No, not just from her final moments — from everything that had followed after. From gasping in pain the day she woke up on the Ximilia, from the nightmares she'd relived in that castle, from the bandits who had tried to smother her before she took their lives —

All of it.

Wei Wuxian is wandering about the groups himself, and it's when she finds herself walking toward him that she feels it — the shame and regret and childish fear that months and months of training with bows and swords and cultivation hasn't repaired inside her. It's strange to say the adrenaline has only just began to seep out of her — that the anxiety of something terrible happening is finally dimming.

Recognition of who it is crosses her face, just before it crumples and her eyes wet with tears that only just begin to form.

Before he has even a chance to fully grasp the situation, she bridges the short space with long strides, urgent strides, and wraps her arms suddenly around his middle to squeeze tightly.]

[He has a moment to meet her eyes. A moment in which his usual smile begins to make its way to his lips, but then something in her expression shifts and Wei Wuxan knows something is wrong. There is no time to process anything beyond that before Ziggy is hurling herself into his arms, and it's instinct the way he wraps his arms tightly around her even as his own pulse skyrockets with adrenaline and concern.

Without even thinking about it, he bustles her away from the crowds, never once letting go of her. Only when they're off a little on their own does he let out the breath he'd suddenly begun holding and reach up to smooth a hand down her hair.]

It's okay. Ziggy, it's okay, I'm here. I've got you. You're okay. [He whispers words of comfort to her, and pauses running his hand over her hair so that when he steps back just an inch, just enough to see part of her face, he can thumb away some of her tears.]

Ziggy, I'm here. [The words are fierce and protective, and he leans forward to kiss her forehead the way Shijie used to do for him.]

No one will hurt you, A-xing You're safe now.

[Ziggy shakes her head, still hiding her face until he steps back and she relinquishes that place to hide her shame — shame for the hiccupping sound that escapes her, one that makes her feel younger than she feels she is anymore. There's a relief in being away from the eyes of other orbers, ones that she's not entirely sure would or wouldn't judge her for the weakness she feels trying to barrel her over through sheer volume.

Over the last year, she has to admit, she's not sure the last time she actually let out her feelings. Maybe it was high time. Maybe it's been high time for years, in a way that far outlived her time aboard the Ximilia. How does she explain herself? Everything's such a mashed up mess.]

It just. I don't know.

[She looks down, nose wrinkled, lips pursing. Another attempt to choke down emotion. Another pair of tears manage to sneak past her efforts regardless.]

All of it.

It's all fucked.

[Eloquent as ever, especially in her time of distress.]

[He reaches up again, one arm still wrapped around her shoulders and the other catching any ensuing tears that follow the pair.]

It kind of sounds that way, doesn't it? [Everything going on is...it's a lot, and he doesn't know what else Ziggy has been through on top of it.]

Come on, lets sit. [They can have this respite. If anyone has a problem with it, they'll have to take it up with him. He tugs her gently down to the ground and tucks her into his side, the way he once had with the much smaller a-Yuan when he woke from a nightmare. From his qiankun pouch, he pulls out a water skin and offers it to her.]

Drink. And then tell me what happened and who I need to punch, hmm? [He knows he can't solve all of her problems that way, but if he can get her to crack a smile, that's more than enough.]

Nobody. Nobody did anything.

[She shakes her head fervently, collecting the water skin and holding it nervously in her hands. It's not often that she feels this way — not since she was younger, when she had relied more on her sister. And maybe even before that, when her parents seemed more there, for lack of a better word. She'd prided herself, out of necessity, of being able to handle things herself these days. She'd made it a goal not to allow anyone to see her get too 'weak' for her liking.

But it doesn't feel so sinful, to be weak in front of Wei Wuxian.

Breathing out shakily, she takes a small drink; it does help steady her.]

I almost killed Dean. I... It wasn't on purpose. I didn't know it was him. [She rubs her arm against her eyes, breathes out.] I had started hearing these... weird whispers. And when I looked at him, I saw this monster... I thought it was attacking me, so I started swinging my sword — I was trying over and over to kill it, but I was almost killing one of my own crew, and...

[She wraps a hand around her middle, where old scars hide beneath her tunic.]

And I could feel it all over again. What happened back home. It just — launched me into these old feelings and memories again. I don't know why, but it just did. I couldn't get a hold of myself, and I almost killed the guy who saved my life before. More than once. Some way of repaying him, right?

[The more Ziggy speaks, the more concerned his expression grows. He wishes it was someone who had said something to her because at least then there would be an easier solution. But as Ziggy pours her heart out to him—his own aching deeply—he understands it isn't something so simple.

His arm settles around her shoulders again, instinctively protective, as if he can shield her from the horrors of the world. This world. Her own world. Any world. (He can't. He can't keep her safe from any of it no matter how much he wishes he could.) When she finishes speaking, he's already shaking his head.]

You did what you were supposed to do. You protected yourself. If something was using illusory warfare on you, that wasn't your fault. [Had Dean died, he knows she would have carried the weight no matter what he said, but he didn't. He didn't and Wei Wuxian makes a vague note to add recognizing illusions into her training agenda.]

And after everything you've been through—[He pauses abruptly, remembering what he knows of her death and suddenly having to swallow over a lump in his throat.]—after everything, I understand.

[She does know it's not something that she could have helped... mostly. As frustrated as she is, she has to admit that it would've been hard to see through it all. It's just — maybe if she were stronger. If she were more experienced. Smarter.]

... It wasn't — the first time. That I had to protect myself.

[She leans into him, the vulnerability too much for her to look at his face. Maybe because she fears that she'll have been wrong in the people she's trusted... that she'll look at him and see judgement, see his opinion of her shift in real time. It's not fair to Wei Wuxian, having those doubts; he's never been anything but decent to her. But right now, she feels so wildly out of control of her intuition, of her ability to see what's real...]

It's not like I'm not already a killer. I - I shot — I had to kill people before; they were going to kill me, and I know I didn't have a choice, not then, but — but if I killed one of you, I'd never be able to forgive myself. I'd rather just die all over again than be the reason someone else I care about gets killed.

No. [The word comes out more desperate than he wanted it to, and he doesn't care, not paying it any mind.]

You aren't allowed to die again. You, a-xing must live forever. [He smiles past the sorrow in his face to show her that he knows he's being ridiculous even as he continues on.]

It must have been terrible to realize what happened, but you didn't kill him. Dean is alright, and you're safe, and that is all that matters. Do you understand? [His hand cards through her hair again and he takes a deep shaking breath.]

You must always be safe, Ziggy. That's the most important thing.

[She laughs weakly, equally aware of how ridiculous a statement that is. But it's at least one spoken with care, isn't it? So it means a lot. After a moment, she rubs her palms across her eyes, sniffing and shaking off the heavy blanket of discouragement, of fear of what had happened, of what could happen.]

Mm, well. I don't know how easy it'll be to stay safe in this line of work, but.

Since it's you asking so nicely... I'll work on living forever.

After all, someone's got to make sure you stay employed in this teaching gig.

Good. See that you do. [He laughs and pulls her into another hug, holding her close before he finally lets her go.]

I think they're ready to move on, but I'll stay with you, alright? Until the orb takes us back, I'll be here at your side. [And until either of them departs the Ximilia or their mission is complete, but he leaves that much left unsaid for now. He's pretty sure she knows.]

Inbox: Ximilia

before all heck breaks loose :)

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