singlelogbridge | Inbox: Ximilia

Emotional or physical? 〈 she jokes before remembering who she's joking with.

she shakes her head. 〉 I'm in the prime of life.

〈 she retreats a little further from the edge, raising her voice to still be heard. 〉

My ongoing hypothesis: I've died so many times fate's decided I be functionally immortal. 〈 turning around, she sweeps her arms open. 〉 I laugh in the face of danger. Ha, ha!

[He sighs at that, not amused exactly but a break from the indifference. Exasperation maybe. Another time, it might have been laughter.]

I'm glad you're safe. [It's heavy, weighted down by all that he isn't saying. Despite Gwen's intentional levity, he can't bring himself to reciprocate. Not when he remembers the way she'd looked at him. Anger and disgust, and all of it justified. Like he was a monster. Like she could see him for what he was, all of his sins bared for her to inspect.

Half of him wants to flee.

But Gwen is here, making light, and it doesn't mean nothing. This isn't his world where he can run away to nurse his wounds at the Burial Mounds. Gwen is here offering him...something. He would be stupid to ignore it, even if he doesn't deserve it. Even if he suspects he can't change himself the way she'd want him to.]

...did I ever tell you that my sister was an orber? Jiang Yanli. She was here for months. I don't know if you met her.

〈 gwen brings her arms down. 〉

Huaisang told me. He mentioned your brother too.

[That catches his attention and his eyes flicker to hers with plain fear for a moment before he catches himself. Huaisang wouldn't have shared much. Nothing about his past, he doesn't think, or at least nothing incriminating. After he pauses to collect himself, he nods.]

When I arrived, Shijie was still here. On the Ximilia, and then on Giva, though she was sent to Sedorum.

[Another pause and then] I didn't speak to her. Didn't see her. Not once. I asked Zewu-jun not to tell her I was here. It wasn't a great long term plan obviously, but then she was gone and it didn't matter. I still don't know if she knew...

She's dead. And it was my fault. Her husband too. Her son is an orphan, and I'm the reason. Her husband was...an accident, but one that lays firmly in my hands. And even after that, she. Shijie died taking a sword meant for my heart. She died pushing me out of the way, even after—[He stops, voice breaking as his face crumbles. He brings one hand up to conceal his tears and takes a step away from Gwen, his other hand curling into a fist. He has a point to make with this. There's a reason he's sharing.]

Edited 2022-07-22 22:30 (UTC)

〈 her hand closes gently around his fist. her thumb lies across his inner wrist. when she shifts it in a gentle arc, she feels his pulse racing. 〉

She loved you.

〈 gwen has no words of comfort for him. she failed peter; she carries that guilt. she failed her father, though that had a happier ending. she carries that guilt too. she cannot promise him it's okay or it gets better. the one is cruel; the other a lie however kindly meant. she has the truth, one easily gleaned even without having met the other woman.

the backs of her fingers caress his cheek. she smiles, terribly sad. 〉

You're easy to love.

[A sound erupts from his throat like a wounded animal, and he turns his face away from her touch. He leaves his hand where it is though, still clenched beneath hers.]

Yes, she did, and she died for it. As Wen Qing and Wen Ning died for it. As Lan Zhan suffered for it. As Jiang Cheng paid for it. As everyone who loves me is brought to ruin for it! [The words come out in a rush, pain disguised poorly as anger. His face is a mask of despair.]

But that's not...it's not the point. Not now. [That's not why he's sharing. He closes his eyes and lets out a shuddered breath.]

It was the same then. When you got hurt, you were just lying there and I—[He cuts himself off with a deep inhale.]

I don't regret it. I would do it again. But I am sorry for being stupid about it. I'm sorry I made them afraid. I'm sorry I didn't think it through. I'm sorry.

〈 she considers it for a moment, then— 〉 Bzzt! So close.

You're sorry there were consequences. After all, you don't regret it. You'd do it again, 〈 she repeats his words back to him. 〉 Despite having scarred a group of people—probably for life. And knowing, because I told you a few times, that I don't want more deaths on my conscience.

〈 she speaks without her earlier flippancy. she speaks without anger, too. she has none for him. he is doing an excellent job of hating himself without her tapping in for a round.

his hand still in hers, she exerts a light pressure until she can thread her fingers through his. 〉

You were hurt, and you were scared, maybe you felt powerless. You saw a…a horrible moment about to repeat itself. And you lashed out. That wasn't for anyone but yourself.

[He pulls his hand away and takes a step back, putting space between them.

He is selfish. Endlessly so. There's no question in his mind about that, it's who he is. How many times has he done something selfish that made other people hurt? (Lotus Pier burned because of him. He knows this.)

But protecting Gwen by killing that guard—it was certainly stupid to do in front of those people, but it wasn't about him.]

They're alive to be scarred. [He shakes his head and then flinches, feeling lost. He fucked up, but this wasn't about him. He was protecting her. Protecting the others. He should have been less brutal in front of them, but it's hardly as if the guard deserved less.]

I wasn't lashing out—what do you think he—he would have...I did what any soldier would do on a battlefield.

Most soldiers don't rip a man to pieces. Vast majority don't have that ability, true. Even so. That kind of violence screams, "Personal."

〈 when he moves away, she remains where she is. in this moment, he seems like a cornered animal. he will not hurt her—she knows it like she knows her own name. he might run, though. he might hurt himself.

it is why her hands stay at her sides though she wants to reach for him again. she mentally maps the distance to the ledge behind him, however. she calculates how fast she can respond. 〉

[He shakes his head and drops his gaze, unwilling to look at her.]

I don't tell them how. [How to kill, that is. Not the undead at least. Demons and other kinds of yao, maybe. But not walking corpses. He only holds the leash and gives them enough slack to do the job.]

I let them do what they wanted. They were people none of us got to in time. They died because of those collars. [He isn't surprised how they killed that guard and he isn't mad about it, but he didn't direct it. They'd died horrific deaths at the hands of those men and watched their friends die in the same way. Who wouldn't want to rip their murderers apart?]

They died angry and afraid. [Watching the collars exploding around them, clawing at their own in vein. The terror that must have gripped them for those moments. He closes his eyes again and shakes his head before stealing himself and opening his eyes to face her.]

In that moment I was only thinking about you. And I could have tempered them. I could have exerted control and softened them. It would have been the smart thing to do, the better thing to try and hold onto the trust of those civilians. But I didn't. You were bleeding in my arms and I wasn't thinking about any of them at all.

We have to, though. Because the consequences when we don't are life-changing.

〈 she takes a step toward him. 〉

I don't have easy answers for you. I'm not a soldier. Just a kid from Queens who got in way over her head one day. 〈 she looks down at her hand. black spiders mill across her palm. 〉 In the process, I hurt a lot of people. People I love. I'm still taking responsibility for everything I did.

I don't want us to fight.

〈 the spiders melt into a black goo, which winds affectionately through her fingers before it suffuses through her skin.

she holds her hand out to him. 〉

I've missed my friend. 〈 her smile is a tiny rueful quirk at the corner of her mouth. 〉 I miss my Xianxian.

[Tears sting his eyes and he stares at her hand but doesn't take it. His stomach roils and it feels like his insides are tied into knots.

It doesn't feel like they're on the same page, and if he takes her hand now, he's pretty sure he'll be agreeing to be something he's not. It's sounds too similar to another request. Come back to Gusu with me.]

We aren't fighting. [He mutters, and there's anguish in the words.]

Why would I fight you?

[A pause, and then, with tinges of desperation] I don't know what you're asking of me.

〈 a soft, confused frown touches her features. 〉 I'm not asking anything of you.

〈 she reaches for him again, this time in quiet concern. 〉

Wei Wuxian, what is it?

[It's instant the way he takes her hand this time, and even more than that, the way he pulls her full bodied into his arms. His face gets buried in the juncture between her neck and shoulder, and he almost immediately soaks her neck with his tears.]

I don't know. [It's muffled, mumbled through his tears and into her skin.]

I don't know, I—[His words catch on a sob and he holds on even tighter.]

Do you hate me? It's okay if you do. I'm not a good person, Gwen. I only cause trouble. I only make mistakes.

〈 she is not in danger, and spider-sense does not warn her. gwen stares over his shoulder, wide-eyed, before sense kicks in through her surprise. her arms wrap solidly around his back. as he cries, her hand drifts in soothing gesture over his spine.

only when the tears have slowed and his breathing has grown less harsh does she reach for his face. gently, holding it between both her hands, she raises his head that she might meet his eyes. the cool band of the ring he gave her—a prop from a "husband" to his "wife"—still sits around the ring finger on her right hand, the place she switched it to after their act was up. 〉

I told you, 〈 she says quietly, every word brimming with an emotion she has felt now for a while but not yet given voice. 〉 You're easy to love.

[He turns his face just slightly into one of her hands, eyes closing for a moment before reopening to meet her gaze. He'd heard her the first time. Of course he'd heard her. It had been a deliberate choice to ignore it and now it's sitting there between them, and he can't help shaking his head.

I bring ruin to everyone who loves me, he wants to say. But his chest swells with affection for her nonetheless, even as he knows he shouldn't let it. Even as he believes nothing good can ever come from loving him. He's still glad for it. Still brought to a a fresh wave of tears over it.]

You are too. You know that, right? Loving you is like breathing. [Easy, instinctive, he doesn't know how to live without it.]

I know.

〈 sometimes, she forgets. but then she is reminded how much people love her. her dad, of course. the girls. may and ben. harry. jess and baby gerry. spider-ham and the other web warriors. miles. peter parker, across universes. despite it all, she has so many people who love her.

it is wei wuxian who does not seem to know how much he too matters.

rising on her toes, gwen's lips touch against his cheek. the salt taste of his tears lingers as she wraps her arms around him in a warm embrace. 〉

[The affirmation comes with relief and satisfaction that Gwen knows how much she matters to him—and to others, he's sure. She deserves to know how much she means and how important she is.

The gesture of affection pulls a soft wounded sound from him and he burrows his face back into her neck. The raging swell of emotions inside of him having mostly calmed, the reality of his emotional messiness is finally beginning to sink in along with a swift undercurrent of embarrassment. For a long moment, he's quiet, reveling in the shared affection between them. It's only after another stretch of time has passed that he finally speaks, his words laced with a childish sulk.]

I ruined your hoodie. [Is the muffled whine that comes from her shoulder, not that he actually moves to do anything about it. It's probably venom, but still.]

〈 gwen snickers. she moves her hand up to his head, patting it lightly. 〉

Does Xianxian have the money for dry cleaning?

[He doesn't move, only slumping further against her.]

Xianxian doesn't know what dry cleaning is. [He could guess based on the words, but he chooses not to.]

〈 wrong answer 😌

the hand at his head winds a lock of hair around its fingers—and tugs. 〉

Then it seems like Wei Ying, courtesy name Wuxian, 〈 she blithely declares, taking a step back, but not letting go, 〉 will be working until he can pay it off.

[He lets out a pathetic sounding whine—whether from the hair pulling or use of his birth name is anyone's guess—and finally lifts his head to look at her.]

You're going to be very cruel about interest, I know it.

Seven percent.

〈 she won’t charge a cent, but needs must for her reputation.

which she promptly destroys anyway by smoothing his hair down. pulling her sleeve over her hand, she tenderly wipes his cheeks, under his eyes. as she finishes, her hand slows, but she does not yet drop it from his face. 〉

I’m not comfortable with violence. I don’t want to be. 〈 rueful, 〉 I would rather not fight at all, but fights keep finding me.

〈 the humor fades. her thumb sweeps a gentle caress over his cheek. 〉

I’m not saying this to make some kind of moral judgment. I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you have the biggest heart I’ve seen, and you’ve been hurt so much because of it.

We’re going to disagree. 〈 her blue eyes search his, dark and red rimmed, as she speaks. 〉 We come from two very different backgrounds. There are things we’re not going to see eye to eye on.

This is what I need to do for me…and what I need to do for Venom. But even if we disagree or we get mad, I could never hate you, Wei Wuxian. You’re my didi, remember? 〈 she smiles, the corner a little tremulous. 〉 We look out for each other.

[He closes his eyes when she wipes his cheeks, swallowing over a lump at the affection in the action. When Gwen begins to speak, the lump in his throat grows much bigger and harder to swallow around, and when she's done he nods back at her several times, unwilling to open his mouth for the moment for fear of what will happen if he does.

He'd only just stopped crying a minute ago.

When long enough has passed that he can speak without fear of breaking open, he lets out a shuddering sigh and reaches up to smooth her own hair away from her face, grateful for the healing that has repaired the skin that on their last meeting had looked so angry and painful.]

My jie should never have to be comfortable with violence. [It's nothing to be proud of. Nothing to revel in. When the war came, his life turned to killing and bloodshed, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. It had been a happier life before then. A peaceful one. If it was in his power, he'd give it to Gwen in a heartbeat.

The hand that's on her face tugs it forward gently until their foreheads can meet with him ducking enough to reach her.]

I understand.

〈 gwen’s heart feels too full, tight against her ribs. a good ache. her arms wind around his neck again.

when she drops them, it is to take his hand in hers. 〉

Come on. 〈 she gives him a light tug. 〉 Let’s get off this roof. I’m starving. 〈 time to chow down with…another food pill. thrilling. 〉

Edited 2022-07-28 23:04 (UTC)

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